Top Chef recap

I've been too busy to post my thoughts on Top Chef lately (although, in a nut shell, good riddance to Zoi and Ryan, even though Nikki clearly deserved to get the hatchet last week). Besides being out of town last week, T & I have also gotten sucked into Battlestar Galactica lately...but that's for another post. So since T is usually full of pithy remarks while we watch the show, I thought I'd put him to work as a guest blogger. Enjoy.

T here – I felt the need to ring in on the topic of tonight’s episode of Top Chef. I was making some snide comments during the show and M put me to the task of writing for one of her several blogs. I won’t even get into the fact that my wife has so many blogs that she has to subcontract out the blogging labor. Let’s get right to the show.

At this point on the show, we can now separate the chaff from the wheat and it is becoming clear who the front runners are. The chefs definitely in the lead are Male Mohawk, Dale, and Stephanie (curly haired Chicago chick). On the bottom are Skinny Brunette, Antonia, The Kiwi and Eyebrow Ring. Somewhere in the middle are the Two Guys That Look Exactly The Same (But One Wears A Hat) and Lesbian Mohawk.

The quick fire challenge is to make dessert. Every year they do this at some point on the show. Every year half the chefs bitch about the fact they never make dessert. This year a few actually figured out they should show up for this reality TV show with at least one good dessert recipe. And surprise! the chefs that did not do well on the challenge were the same ones bitching about now pastry has nothing to do with being a chef. My patience for the complainers on this show is wearing thin.

Male Mohawk wins the challenge with one of the several chocolate and banana dishes. Mostly nothing too exciting was created in the quick fire, but he won with ingenuity of making bananas look like scallops. He also is kind enough to tell the folks at home that he is witty. He then pats himself the back and kisses himself in the mirror. How am I so goddamn sweet?!? Man that Mohawk is looking good! So again he has immunity. He is not going anywhere and a virtual lock for the final four right now.

Then of course the “fun” event comes up and the chefs have no idea they are walking into a trap. This is reality TV! There is no escape from the cameras, there is no relaxing. Somehow this has escaped them all and they are worried about what blazer to wear to look fly at Second City . The hatted Bearded Retard Twin probably took 20 minutes picking out his “on the town” headwear.

Surprise! Those audience members yelling out stuff are designing your dish to improvise! I was astounded that the chefs were not yelling out ingredients themselves….tofu and Polish Sausage aren’t exactly the most exciting of things to cook for an elimination challenge. Why didn’t you yell out something? Wake up!

They draw numbers and end up in teams. The most predictable yet fascinating outcome here is the Retard Twins pairing up so they can rub their red beards together when no one is looking. Dale and Male Mohawk are paired up and probably the strongest team, then Stephanie and Female Mohawk might be next. The other teams are Antonia and Eyebrow Ring (doomed) and Skinny Brunette and The Kiwi (unimpressive).

The Retard Twins clearly offer the most comedy value. They decide to make squash soup for “Yellow Vanilla Love”. The Hatted Twin has been talking about squash soup for what seems like weeks. They think they are each pretty cool and maybe their counterpart Twin might be 2nd coolest of the group in their minds. This show started with two lesbians, but these guys seem to be pretty gay for each other. They are very proud of themselves and their squash soup, despite not having any food processors to get through the disk (improv! you crazy Top Chef producers). I’d like to thank Bravo for not showing these guys making out in the back room and telling each other how awesome each other is.

Dale and Male Mohawk are the front runners, despite having the toughest draw with “Perplexed Green Tofu”. They are so clearly the most creative and skilled chefs on the show it isn’t even funny. They have this nutso idea of making the tofu taste like beef, which sounded insane and risky but these guys are the only ones that could possibly pull it off. The tasting table clearly loved it.

Stephanie and Female Mohawk get into the “Sexy Orange Asparagus” which sounded like a fun dish and they really worked hard to make it look phallic and had fun with it. Seemed like they worked hard on the dish, but it was pretty busy. Their delivery of the dish went over well but Colicchio clearly hated it. Trouble.

The most amazing thing of this challenge was that Antonia and Eyebrow turned “Magenta Drunken Polish Sausage” and ended up serving fish with chorizo over purple potatoes. It drives me insane when people completely ignore the rules of the challenge and make whatever they want and then claim that they are an artist, or in the case of this challenge look at how they improv’ed! I will ignore the rules! I am creative! I will ignore Polish Sausage! I will bring out tequila shots for myself but not the judges! These guys are idiots and are trying very hard to make America hate them.

The Kiwi and the Skinny Chick made something; I don’t remember what it was and it seemed like they were largely edited out. Clearly in the middle of the pack. I want to like The Kiwi due to the afro and the accent (and the fact that I know a Kiwi that has both of these attributes as well and is one of the craziest guys I have ever met) but he seems like kind of a dumbass.

The winners were Dale and MaleHawk and the Soup Twins. No major surprise there except for the hatted Twin was now on chapeau #6 while he bared his soul about how his mother said the mark of a good chef was being able to make a simple soup….didn’t the judges say the exact same thing an episode or two ago? What a kiss ass. I can’t wait to see the fedora he rolls out next week. Dale wins the challenge, and rightfully so. He’s solid and also a virtual lock for the top three or four.

Steph and LezHawk, along with Antonia and BrowRing are the losers. The only really talent in the bottom four this week is Steph so me and M are hoping that she doesn’t get cut in some bullshit way like Tre last season. I figure there is no way the Fish for Sausage team doesn’t lose but I was wrong and LezHawk gets cut. Slight surprise, but she clearly wasn’t going to make it much farther than this anyway. She went on to say that chefs need to “give 1000%” which I find so disgusting that I’m very happy she is gone. I am an admitted math nerd and hate it whenever someone says they have to give more than 100%, but more than the mathematical reason, and the fact that it is freakin’ impossible to give more than “all”, it just makes people sound so stupid. On par with mixed metaphors or saying things like “it’s a mute point”, “irregardless” or saying “literally” for emphasis. No reason for it. These people are what is wrong with America . Good riddance.

Thanks for letting me vent and occupy space on M’s blog. We’re huge Top Chef fans and while this season doesn’t seem as strong as last, the drama levels do seem pretty high. I hope y’all enjoyed my commentary. Don’t look for me on the crafty blog as the most creative thing I can make is an egg sandwich. Peace out! -T

Ok, I have to add a few comments. First off, I have about an equal amount of hatred as T for Richard and the Idiot Twins. I enjoyed Hung's cockiness last season, but Richard is just over the top with his smug, "I'm so clever" attitude. Also, I fail to understand how making bananas look like sea scallops can be considered inspired. Let's see, cut banana into rounds...done.

And the other two...I'm not sure I even want to get started. Hat Twin is annoying because of the ever-changing hat rotation. His personality isn't exactly winning him points either. The digs at the lesbians seem to be a little unnecessary too. The other Idiot Twin is so freaking twitchy I can barely watch him. I swear, he's tweaking on speed.

I'm also endlessly annoyed when the cheftestants complain and make assumptions about how this or that can't possibly taste good, or that the judges are simply WRONG in their opinions. I'm sorry, but no one's paying you for your opinion. And while I think that Ted Allen's culinary qualifications are a bit dubious, he's still probably more qualified than you.